Need help now? 
When you want to help but aren’t sure how
Sometimes support misses the mark — and that’s okay to notice.
“Let me know what you feel up for.”
“I’m here — no matter what this looks like.”
“That’s great — let me know how I can help.”
Skip this
“Surely one won’t hurt.”
“But you don’t have a problem.”
“Are you ever going to drink again?”
Remember, it’s also fine not to comment at all.
You care. You’re trying. But some things, even said with love, can land wrong or feel like pressure. Here are some things that people say don’t help — and what might work better instead.
You’re not expected to be perfect. But noticing the difference between pressure and support? That’s what makes you a great ally.
See more helpful swaps.
You’re not alone
“Understanding where people are coming from helps — not trying to pull them back into your world.”
Simon, Belconnen
Still thinking about it?
There’s a line between being there — and being all over it.
It’s easy to tip into worry, reminders, even micro-managing. But lasting change can’t be forced. And it definitely doesn’t come from hovering.
You can be present without being pushy.
Here’s what that might look like:
- Let them lead. Ask what support looks like — don’t assume.
- Check in without checking up. “How’s your week been?” works better than “Did you drink last night?”
- Keep your own stress in check. If you’re spiralling, that’s yours to manage — not theirs to carry.
Support is showing up, not steering.
When you’re guessing, keep it simple. It’s okay not to know. Showing up with care matters more than getting it perfect.
- Ask directly. “What feels helpful right now?”
- Offer small. A meal, a message, a check-in.
- Stay steady. Keep showing up — consistency builds trust.
When you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. Some actions support, others add pressure. Knowing the difference keeps things easier.
- Helps: Listening, encouragement, small gestures.
- Overwhelms: Pressure, guilt, over-checking.
- Balance: Care plus space.
Up next
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Read more: Catch-ups that don’t need a drinks menu
Catch-ups that don’t need a drinks menu
Still fun. Still mates. Just less alcohol.
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Read more: Gentle check-in phrases that open space
Gentle check-in phrases that open space
When you want to ask, but not push.
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Read more: Invite them to something alcohol-free
Invite them to something alcohol-free
When the old hangouts don’t feel right anymore.
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Read more: Listening more than leading the way
Listening more than leading the way
You don’t have to solve it. Just be there.
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Read more: Low-pressure check-in alternatives
Low-pressure check-in alternatives
When you want to care without crowding.
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Read more: Noticing and naming small wins together
Noticing and naming small wins together
Even the smallest progress is worth pointing out.
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Read more: Progress that isn’t obvious
Progress that isn’t obvious
When it feels slow, here’s what might actually be shifting.
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Read more: Understanding what might be going on under the surface
Understanding what might be going on under the surface
When behaviour changes but words don’t explain it.
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Read more: What they may need to hear
What they may need to hear
There’s no perfect script — but some words can really land.
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Read more: What to celebrate (even if they can’t yet)
What to celebrate (even if they can’t yet)
When the shift feels small, they’re still worth naming.
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Read more: When you want to help but aren’t sure how
When you want to help but aren’t sure how
Sometimes support misses the mark — and that’s okay to notice.
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Read more: Why support matters more than solutions
Why support matters more than solutions
When you can’t fix it, showing up still counts.